When the sun shines

I like to feel the sunbeams on my back for as long as I can remember. Soak in the warmth and the belongingness. Winter has never found favor with me. It is akin to darkness that signifies a loss taking me away from my true self .I don’t know the reason for this strong affinity but it stems from a deeper sub conscious level.

As I sat reflecting on these thoughts mulled into silence by the powerfulness of what I was experiencing I was realizing many untold and unacknowledged truths. Things I inherently understood but couldn’t define before I started reading this book suggested by a chance meeting with a stranger on my flight to Bombay .The books seemed to reinforce so many of my recently acquired beliefs giving them shape and form. It was as if I was meant to read it.

As a kid I always had this strange drive to excel. It made me do exceptional things like study under the blanket in 103 fever. There was this fire inside that propelled me to challenge the world – whom in particular was I trying to impress I didn’t know. Why was I doing this – I didn’t know. What would I gain? Some momentary acknowledgement and reckoning from fake people whom it didn’t really matter whether I impressed or not. Then why was I doing this? And where did peace and satisfaction lie. As my thoughts changed the path they had always tread I realized as a child our motivations are limited by our knowledge and what is fed to us from the world around us. But when we stay in isolation with ourselves is when we realize our innermost self and our true motivators.

I always was a loner of sorts having a world of my own in which I would get lost. Thus when I was with myself alone- totally alone for the first time in my life that my mind started opening to unexplored thoughts like a river waiting to overflow its banks. I started reading new things, exploring new thoughts, pursuing forgotten hobbies, developing new ones, appreciating what I had never appreciated as a kid and discarding old beliefs. I started acquiring a mind of my own. A mind and a thought process which was carved out of my isolation by following what my instincts wanted me to follow without any influences or someone’s else’s interpretations to my realities. This is also when I started to blog and write. Everything that was surging inside me, these new findings wanted an outlet, wanted to be told.

There were times when I felt weak, when the new journey I had embarked on didn’t seem to give the support I wanted.So little I knew, there was no ratification from people I knew. What appeared scary was at times these beliefs seemed to appear fatalistic as they killed the negativity, the angst inside me. I no longer felt that drive, that mindlessness that formed part of a younger me. But I liked these new beliefs and I held on. I searched for guidance and ways of keeping the fire alive, and found it. I again wanted to excel but on a different path and in a different way. There was still a race to be won but of a different kind and with a core far more stronger and substantial.

Today my beliefs have become a way of life for me. I see a different tomorrow. A different sun shines on my path. I feel guided to a newer world based on a different construct. One that makes me feels inherently happy and complete. An existence freed from all the negativities that plague human existence. I now know where peace lies inside me and what path I have to follow. It is hazy but it is there and every step I take guides me to the next.

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