musings

Know Thyself !

2010-01-20T00:18:00.001-08:00

I said I will do this; I will give that to the world. My school, my college, my workplace all had tried to measure my capabilities and given me a level of confidence. She said, Shruti there were many before you who knew, could do it, there will be many after you who will know too. The creator knows it all. We are a mere reflection of the whole, can only express a part thereof. We do what we do for ourselves, to know ourselves and to be true to our core and that is all that is required of us. If in that process you are able to help the world, leave something behind that is wonderful but it would be a delusion if you attached yourself to the thought that you are here to change the world.

I knew she was right. We compete constantly and try to prove our intelligence through the achievements and recognition we receive. Are we then allowing our self worth to become a slave to the adulation and recognition that the world gives us? Shouldn’t knowing what we are capable of be enough and complete in itself?

To go further who are we competing with to prove ourselves better than? I believe all of us are an equal part of that whole, have potential, only difference being that our gifts are different. Some of us are able to open that package and some don’t. We are superior to no one. We are all struggling at various levels to realize our potential .This understanding helps us empathize with each others struggle leading us to our own inherent unity. It is both a humbling feeling and an act of worship, a surrender to the divine in us.

When we work for ourselves, to know ourselves work becomes sacred. Everything we do is pure, sincere, a piece of art that carries a touch of our soul. We accept whatever we get in return with grace, unattached. We learn to accept the story of our lives and start living life in the true sense of the word .Life then becomes an unending adventure that we frolic in each day.

Fallen Angels

2009-09-16T22:54:00.001-07:00

I have allowed pain to be the making of me and in doing so I learnt one of the most important lessons that life can teach. These beautiful lines from the famous poem if express this learning in an apt way –

If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat these two imposters just the same
Yours is the Earth ad everything that’s in it,
And – which is more – you’ll be a man, my Son!

- Rudyard Kipling

It is very easy to fall prey to the feeling of self pity and playing the victim in the drama of life when life has dealt you a hard one or many hard ones. I have been through it myself so it’s very easy for me to identify it in another, almost effortlessly. And I have seen the pattern repeating itself so many times in so many human beings.

What it essentially does is make us feel justified in pursuing our wants because haven’t we lost out on so much in life and isn’t it time we got what we deserved ? This is a dangerous state to be in because it makes us self centered or rather self focused. We are constantly in a state of feeding our needs and we fail to see and identify with another person’s pain or what they want because our trauma is so big in our own minds. We are angry with life for the harsh battles we had to fight. We fail to see the significance of the events in our life or value each experience, the good, the bad and the ugly for what it has taught us and how it could mould us if we understood the message it brought for us.

I have learnt from life that God’s ( let me clarify that to me God is the cosmic laws) justice is not punitive its reformative and when something we consider as bad happens to us be it anytime in our lives , it was meant for our good only . This learning lends credence to this line from The Bible – “ Thy will not mine be done” .I feel that The cosmic Laws are very meticulously designed to govern and create the story of each person’s life for their exclusive benefit , their individual blue print to reaching self realization and however difficult it may seem to us while we are living it , it is indeed he best medicine for our ailing soul .It can never help to compare our story with another’s story and especially those whose stories are better than ours . When we understand this, the distinction between a good experience and a bad experience vanishes. Good and bad is something our mind tells us when essentially its just an experience and as impermanent and transient as any experience can be.

We need to thus step back and take an honest and hard look at ourselves because it is indeed the toughest battle that we will ever fight, that with our own ego which makes us blind to our faults. History and Mythology has been replete with instances of great men, men of immense strength, endorsed and praised by the gods falling prey to the vices of mankind because they stopped questioning themselves. Nobody is ever safe and we need to constantly be on our guard lest we become a fallen angel.

Time's Mind

2009-01-17T12:23:00.000-08:00

I have always believed that time has the greatest power in this world. But I had been treating it as a distant being, the cause of everything. Life taught me the true essence of this power lied in working in our favour and we needed to befriend it. And as I started viewing time and its passage differently from before, I started becoming more comfortable with the concept of time .With this acceptance of time life seemed to become more precious in its being, in its existence. In loving time I have learnt to celebrate each experience that it has to offer.

Fleeting Assets

2008-07-28T08:00:00.001-07:00

He was happy. He had finally arrived. He possessed a car, a new job with a raise and promotion and the latest addition was the new flat he had taken on loan just two months back. He seemed smug and satisfied. He had bartered his freedom for EMIs at least for the next 20 yrs but he seemed about to burst with pride. A Robotic existence!

The earthquake had measured 8 on the seismic scale. Nature’s fury had blown apart everything. His car and house were insured. The markets were crashing around the world .The insurance company had gone bankrupt.

Till next time fleeting assets.

Why are swings only for children ?

2008-05-08T22:21:00.000-07:00

I never belonged to the herd and I never will. There were always questions that needed answers and there always will be.

Every morning as I sat on the swing in the park near my house with my best friend enjoying myself immensely I knew that nothing could curb my spirit. The park looked surreal early in the morning and so attracted many patrons. There were a sizeable amount of old people mostly sitting on benches after their daily rounds, eyes boring down on us, almost listless at not being able to get up and sit on that swing, just that one time more.

But who had stopped them from doing what we did every morning? Be Happy. Wasn’t happy the natural state of the being. So lost are we that we require courage to follow our own heart, listen to ourselves, to that I within that wants to live and just be happy living.

We forget our belief in self. Don’t want to explore that which seems unknown yet is known. Life was never meant to be easy then why run at every instance for the easy options? Difficult is indeed simple. The tougher it is the more clearer is the vision.

Through his grace life was born. Free will and time were his gifts to life. Will to make choices that define us. Time that helps us to master each stroke. Life if lived in its true spirit renders itself to an adventure, a quest for never ending growth and knowledge. Brilliant in its beauty, enthralling in its knowing and precious in its being.

Are we then wasting this life given to us trying to play it safe? As someone wisely said “The timid know neither victory nor defeat.”

The Silence Within.......

2008-02-11T22:15:00.000-08:00

I have experienced extremes and then realized that it is only in equilibrium and balance that I found true peace and happiness.

A pendulum when it goes to one extreme by the law of science acquires a momentum, a force by which it has to then go to the other extreme. It can never remain at the extreme forever .The duration for which it remains at either of the extremes depends on the force with which it oscillates. However the pendulum can rest only when it is in the middle or in equilibrium.

Similarly it is with our life. We need to explore the extremes, realize the futility of oscillating from one to the other, experience each of the extreme states to know where true peace and happiness lies and then follow that.

Only when we are at peace with ourselves and happy inside can be bring true joy to everything around us, to the world around us. And if we are able to do that we have served our purpose well. Misery inside can only breed misery outside and hence life should be a journey of finding true internal bliss that can never be shaken and derives its strength in the knowledge of how precious and valuable it is not only for the self but for the world at large and the struggle and pain undergone to achieve the same.

After the fall comes the rise!

2008-01-30T12:15:00.001-08:00

I had always wanted to find my anchor but I ended up being one. Life as always has done its job and left me with more questions to answer but as usual the questions facing me are different and there is pleasure in searching and finding the answers like any good treasure hunt. Come to think of it I always liked treasure hunts or any adventure or mystery game.

Somehow every time I face my weaknesses in their face my will to live and my love for life become even stronger. The fascinating part about life is that it is made up of the pair of opposites like joy & sorrow, virtues & vices, strengths & weaknesses which actually contribute to an individual’s growth. And it is only in the realization of one that you can realize the other and hence learn.

But the problem that one faces is that of humility. Taking weakness for an example unless one is humble enough to acknowledge his human nature and subsequently his human weaknesses one cannot convert it to his strength and there is no shame in doing that. In fact to the contrary it requires huge amount of courage.

Different circumstances are placed before the self to bring to its awareness a particular human weakness, accept it and then convert it to its opposite value i.e. strength. In order to find yourself you need to loose yourself but like every thing in life it is a temporary phase whose value lies in its experience. One cannot always be strong because if you are strong all the time you are God and not human.

A person walking down the road happens to chance upon a rare and valuable diamond. He knows that possessing it will add value to him and it has been put in his path for that purpose. But to pick up the diamond he needs to stoop down. If he refuses to bend because that would demean him, that HE of all people can never put himself in such a position then he has foolishly let himself be ruled by his ego. It is a convenient escape route from facing a little temporary discomfort but results in the loss of something far more valuable.

I felt again ....

2008-01-19T20:37:00.000-08:00

After 10 years I wrote a poem again. It came from inside , out of the blue , when I was on a bus to a cave exploration trip early yesterday morning , enjoying and totally enthralled by the beauty and nature around me the words suddenly came to my mind in a flash like they used to so many years ago . I felt like sharing the same. I would not reproduce any of my older poems here as they were a Shruti at a different time and different state of mind. I am what I am today.

It goes as follows –

Jo Dard mein tute nahi who Insaan hai
Jo waqt ke samne jhuke nahi voh Balwan hai
Izzat Jo Chinti ki bhi kare who Bhagwan hai
Aur Pyar hi en Saab ki Pehchan hai

Gandhi lives in me and through me!

2008-01-01T13:07:00.000-08:00

I read a quote recently by Mahadev Bhai’s son, which went like this- “ If Truth is relevant, Gandhi is relevant.”

Gandhi can never die. Gandhi was a not just a man, a human being, he was an ideology, a belief, a way of life. Gandhi lives even today in different forms and through different beliefs all of which stem from that one universal essence or truth. He was one of the manifestations of that Truth albeit one from whom their is a lot to learn .

My fascination with Gandhi started very late in life. In my growing up years he was to me what he was to most kids of my generation, another role model espoused by adults and extremely boring, someone to be shunned, a moralist whose ideologies were crippling and deprived one of the independence of doing what we wanted to do, basically rebel against all rules. His ideologies were a burden too fantastic & crazy to be ever followed.

Moreover there was a different aspect altogether to Gandhi which children of my generation including me were confronted with and that was Gandhi bashing and from all quarters. Every one had an opinion and a take on how Gandhi was wrong or right especially parents. Faced with such confusing signals and exposed to the idea of critising Gandhi we grew up challenging the Father of the Nation without really understanding the essence of what Gandhian thought was all about or what he stood for.

As I got more involved with Gandhi and exposed to his thought processes over the course of the last year through various means including reading , plays, a chance meeting with a 90 yr old Gandhian , discussions ,etc. I started loving and admiring this amazing human being for his strength and solidarity , the essence of the eternal truth that he represented .

I believe in a thought which I read and which has helped me overcome prejudices and evolve as a human being – "Dont confuse the teacher with the lesson." Humans will have weakness but we shouldn’t allow those weakness to color what we need to learn from that human being . Similarly Gandhi being a human would have had his weaknesses too which again is debatable but there was so much to the man and so much to be learnt from him that those seemed miniscule and almost invisible in comparison.

When I saw the movie Gandhi my father, I was both deeply moved and deeply saddened . Moved because the movie revealed more about Gandhi and his persona through the eyes of his son, adding yet another beautiful flavor to him and saddened because of the mass reaction against the choices and decisions made by Gandhi . It was as if the movie was made with the thought to defame Gandhi and make a hero out of someone who could be best labeled a coward and a pimp . As the movie unfolded itself there was a strong urge in me to have been born as his son in that time . I would have had so much to learn and grow from what close proximity to Gandhi would have offered me . Throughout the movie it was evident that Gandhi put character growth and learning of an individual above educational and wordly degrees and learnings . He gave every opportunity to his son to build his character , his essence , come closer to the eternal flame inside him something that time and life has made me value much more than anything that this material world has to offer to me .

Then why was it viewed as a grave injustice, a breach of familial ties and relations , a betrayal of a son by a father ? Even reviews of the film criticized him . It pained me extremely that people missed the essence and greatness of Gandhi , his sacrifice of familial ties for what he thought was right , for the principles that he stood for, a sacrifice that only Gandhi would have understood and had the strength to endure.Why are we as a society so caught up in our neatly woven webs that we fail to hear the voice of our souls ? Family and everything around it in society has been put by us , a framework for our existence on earth . But today those very man made rules have become the shackles that bind us because we are afraid to challenge that which is stale . Can our choices not be different from what the majority choses and is the fear of condemnation greater that our essence , our core ? Majority wins and decisions are formed by the majority because each of us fears condemnation and would rather move with the flow .

We adore the adulation of the masses , and seek to justify our choices and existence through the eyes of others . But it gives us nothing but dissatisfaction in return as we chose to betray our core , move away from the truth . Gandhi as I see him never feared that , he was always true to himself , to what he was and that is what draws my admiration the most . Ofcourse since he didnt confirm to the dicates of man made boundaries he was & is seldom understood .

As I stand today at a cross road in my life I too have made a choice . I have decided I will no longer agree just because I want to please those who are the most precious to me , a part of me , because I fear them questioning what I am , my integrity , my love for them and ultimately when they are unable to find their answers their indifference . And in doing so I have placed everything I love and care for the most at stake . But as someone told me the only culprit is time and I shall bide my own . My world may burn down and crumble but I shall rise from the ashes to burn once more till the day of judgement comes when I can stand with my head held up and eyes that clearly & unflinchingly speak of the battles won .

Humorous Shruti

2007-12-06T20:58:00.000-08:00

Dear All ,

Just thought would update that I have started a new blog (can be viewed in my profile) called my shot at Humor. I have been told that I a serious but not totally devoid of a sense of humor (phew thank God!) and so I decided to add another dimension to my online personality.

Please feel free to visit the link below or go to my profile to check my first gallant ( gulp!) attempt at a so far untried domain .

http://shotathumor.blogspot.com/

He changed my World !

2007-12-02T11:13:00.000-08:00

A really amazing thing happened. And because I thought it was something that was impossible I feel compelled to pen it down. It may appear trivial to many especially those who cannot ever identify with this very basic fear that I had and which I still am not aware stems from what. But the change that has come has left me stunned as well as exhilarated.

I was always scared of dogs. For as long as I know I have lived with this mortal fear of being bitten by one, I have never set foot in the house of friends who had dogs and even if I dared they were made to chain their pets in some obscure corner of the house. This ridiculous aversion and fear had even translated into a very heart stopping (am sure extremely funny for the owner of the blood hound) experience of being chased by an Alsatian (BH) in the middle of a busy street in pune city. I am still trying to live down the humiliation of that incident. I wonder whether I set a new world record sorry inter Milky Way record for the fastest running by a life form amongst all life forms that can possible form part of his creation. Phew! I still end up gasping whenever I recollect the memory of that fateful day.

I live in a flat that I share with the landlady. I loved the flat at the first instance I saw it more than a year ago but for me my moon had its share of scars because my landlady possessed not one but two of these four legged creatures, a Labrador and a Golden retriever . I took a very bold decision and decided to move in after barricading a few doors and the entire balcony with wooden planks so that the creatures may never set sight upon me. The landlady heaved a sigh and obliged. For her they were her world and she treated them like her kids but alas! I failed to understand the relationship and she too refrained from trying. I never even bothered in 13 months to know their name.

It was on the journey to a temple cum beach town in Uttar Karnataka during the diwali time that fate had something else in store. A stray dog decided to take a liking to our group and came and sat near us. The dog was extremely quiet and peaceful and used to come and sit in a very humble manner near our table. There was no way me or anyone could be the least bit frightened of him, it was as if his presence even was not to be felt. He was just there and content in his existence. It was then unconsciously that I looked away and saw myself looking directly into the soulful eyes of that quiet dog. I couldn’t turn my gaze away and the feeling was that of absolute calm , of such sheer joy that its beauty cannot be expressed. I knew that day that something had changed forever.

Since I came back I knew there was something I had to do but was not finding the time for it. I kept putting it off until yesterday when my feet themselves took me to the door of my landlady’s house where I had never set foot because of those dogs. What followed was the most amazing experience of my life. My landlady was extremely happy but happier than her was I who loved the attention and love being bestowed upon her by the dogs and I felt contented touching and stroking their heads. Amongst dog licks and kisses I had discovered a new way of celebrating life and his creation and this added a new joy to my everyday existence. The thought and the feeling filled everything up inside me to the brim. I knew it was something special that was happening to me. The gaps, the voids were being filled.

As I think again about this incidence I realize that everything happened because I had allowed myself the luxury of the same. I had understood sometime back that I needed to let myself free and float, move along with the flow. I had knowingly and unknowingly been fighting against it for too long. That the feeling of lightness, the unburdening would follow if I just let go and move on. That I knew everything yet wasn’t accepting it. I could only move forward if I chose to and I did.

Looking Beyond Horizons

2007-11-13T09:48:00.000-08:00

As usual I read a line recently that triggered this post . I am reading a lot these days ..double of what I was reading and it feels good to be able to intersperse the day with work and a hobby ..makes the day brighter .

So the lines go like this -

"A cloud does not know why it moves in just such a direction and at such a speed . It feels an impulsion ..this is the place to go now . But the sky knows the reasons and the patterns behind all clouds , and you will know , too , when you lift yourself high enough to see beyond horizons ."

I loved the rainbow. Watching its exotic colors gave me immense happiness. Its beauty enthralled me. I felt I was special to have my rainbow. That the rainbow had given me so much and that I needed to protect my rainbow.

I laughed and played with my rainbow, joked with it, made it mine. I always knew that the rainbow was not stable, that it was rare as rare as true love and that it would leave me one day. But I never allowed myself to believe that because I loved my rainbow and felt I owed it to the rainbow to take care of it always for the beauty that it bestowed without asking for anything in return and the sunshine and brightness and glow that it brought to my life. My rainbow. My sweet rainbow whom I believed I loved a lot.

But I forgot that the rainbow’s intrinsic property was to offer its colors but did it want to do just that. What else did my rainbow want? Did it not want newness? Did it not yearn for its happiness the way it had imagined it, created it .Was it also not part of the same creator as well as its creation? Then didn’t it seek to explore beyond its limitations created by its existence in a particular time & space?

Oh my rainbow wanted to be a bird and fly away to see newer lands but I didn’t understand. I never asked the rainbow what it wanted and took care of it as my own, as my prisoner feeling indebted to it for that which was its natural self. Offering gratitude it never asked for because it was born free and always wanted to be free, free to explore.

A False Sense of Security

2007-10-29T22:30:00.000-07:00

I read a line recently that went –

“Here is a test to find whether your mission on earth is finished. If you’re alive it isn’t.”

Illusions. A lot of experiences in life have taught me one fundamental truth that each one of us chooses to live life in our particular illusions. Which is fine especially given the fact that we are human and hence need our beliefs to survive. As I have always stated that humans find it impossible to live in a state of suspension. If they could their life would be a lot simpler as they would be far more receptive and the learning almost instant.

Thus the duration of each person’s illusions vary as per their ability to change and grow. Time then has the ultimate power. Only with time and the experiences that it offers – good or bad, does realization come that propels change and growth in us. Realization may take a couple of seconds but reaching that state might take months, years and sometimes lifetimes. But one thing is for sure once true realization happens it brings about a permanent change undeterred by anything that life can offer and ready to face any test or challenge that might come our way to test our faith.

As we learn and grow we become stronger because we realize greater truths and see that which other cannot. We are on the path and moving towards the primal truth and this knowledge grows as we keep moving in that direction making us a much more stronger spirit.

But as every upside has a downside too so does this strength that we gain have its dangers. The biggest danger and obstacle to our path of final realization is this false sense of security when we stop believing that we need to learn anything more. The day we start thinking that we are perfect and that we don’t need to grow any longer in human form, that we have learnt, analyzed and understood all there is to about life is the day we stop growing. It is the day we start forgetting why we are still in human form.

Another Dawn

2007-10-22T11:19:00.000-07:00

It was a windy evening. The rains in Bangalore were at their torrid best. I managed to scramble back home somehow in the rain and make it inside my one room apartment. Suddenly I heard a noise. There was someone else in my house. As I looked around to place the noise my gaze suddenly fell on the gap between the wall and the kitchen ceiling, which was tiled and fell on both sides of the walls.

A pigeon had made her nest there. I looked on in wonder. It was the first time I had such a unique guest in my house. I welcomed her presence and felt a sudden elation. Without giving any more thought to it I went about my usual tasks before turning in for the night. It was a few days later when I opened my front gate and stepped out to pick up the newspaper after making my tea when I nearly stepped on an open eggshell. The egg was quite small and very different from the usual hen’s egg and my delight knew no bounds as I checked the nest immediately to see that the pigeon had given birth to three little sweethearts. I felt very happy and it seemed I had my own little family. It was as if I could feel the pleasure of the birth somehow .At that moment I had a strong urge to pick up the small ones in my hands and hug them.

But as all positives also have some negatives to it I soon realized that caring for my new found family wasn’t going to be easy. Soon my kitchen floor was to be full of pigeon shit and amazingly they managed quite a bit of it amongst themselves in a single day. There was ample amount of it both inside the house and outside on the steps leading to the kitchen door. Wonder what they ate the whole day long. However neither cleaning the considerable amount of mess everyday nor the stench that filled the apartment and my dreams as I slept at night bothered me. I could not think of ever parting ways or shooing them away. They were part of my life. They had chosen to take shelter in my house and no way was I going to turn them out in the cold of the outside world wondering each day what had happened to them and whether they were safe. As long as they were in front of my eyes it was so much better. I could not bear that any harm should come to them and images of nearby alley cats destroying our happiness and threatening our world was already in my mind and plans to be alert and thwart any advances by them had already been put in place. Cement bricks had been collected and the watchman’s son warned against any possible attacks and subsequent measures to be taken. He was also made to repeat the instructions just so he didn’t get any of them wrong. Nothing could happen to my little family as long as I was alive and kicking.

Last two weeks I was busy with office work and travelling to and fro to Gurgaon. Before leaving last week I had left some dry porridge and water for the pigeons to have. When I came back this weekend I was surprised to see no pigeon shit and the nest also wasn’t to be seen. I wondered whether they had gone out for a holiday and will come back or whether they have flown away for good. It’s been two days since and there has been no sign of return. I have checked that empty space a couple of hundred times and tried to listen to the flutter of wings. As I missed my feathered friends I realized what another living being means to us and what it is really to care for another living being. I also realized another important truth of existence, that its never the quantity but the quality of life that matters. Although the pigeons were there only for a short while at my home but I am sure neither of us will forget the other, and what we silently exchanged with whatever understanding of life we had.

And if it is indeed the quality of life that we can offer to another being that makes the difference then are we really doing so? This brings me closer home and to those who are our loved ones but are most often than not neglected. Our older generation, our elders. We might love them a lot and wish them to remain alive always but what is the quality of life that we offer to them. Are we near them sharing there day to day moments , giving them happiness , doing things they like to do with us , making them feel important in their old age , fulfilling their dreams even without their asking or would we rather stay away from them and extend our love from a distance happy in the knowledge that they are living their day to day mundane lives in which they have convinced themselves to settle down .Is that how we justify our love to all the elders in our lives and is this the value we place to their companionship ? If yes are we not depriving ourselves because the love of our near and dear ones is a blessing few have the good fortune to embrace.

Happy Birthday Papa

2007-10-13T11:58:00.000-07:00

12 th October is my father’s birthday and starting of navratri’s or pujo as they call in my sweet Bengal as well . But this was the first time he was all alone. My father is a sweet loveable old man who never likes his birthday celebrated. Hates it if you get a cake and ask him to cut it and doesn’t want presents at any cost. So what do you do for such a guy. Well you think and you try to be different.

So yours truly thought and she thought and she thought and eureka she got an idea. As they say an Idea can change your life or whatever else that they say. Now as long as I remember I have loved watching movies and I sure do have taken these genes from him . A die hard romantic he always talks of love in a whimsical manner and in his hey days has watched Mugh le azam at least 20 times .I remember being kept awake at night and tortured to listen to its dialogues as a tiny tot who couldn’t fathom any of the heavy words being used and would have given her right arm to go sleep in her soft bed that night. Of course his first love is cricket but am so glad I wasn’t born a son and as a daughter although I tried my level best the bat never managed to touch the ball.

Anyways back to movies - so as my father grew older and hence I also grew up we started (movie) dating each other. I remember many a times when after a weary day at work my father would come in a cab to pick me up for a night show. He likes to watch silently and I appreciate that immensely while watching a movie and so we make a good pair. Last time when I went to cal to meet him we saw the namesake together. He said that he had stopped seeing movies since I had left.

But this time unfortunately I am not being able to go home. However pop is getting a very unique birthday present. He is going to get a surprise visit from one of my best friends who is like family to me and in cal for holidays. She is going to take him in style to a show of Bhool Bhulayiya on my behalf, as my proxy. Hope this will be a gift that he will remember and keep the tradition alive till I see him next.

PS – This is going to happen in a day or two as soon as both are free and since pop doesn’t read my posts am safe and I am waiting for that phone call from him eagerly.

The Eagle !

2007-09-27T23:58:00.000-07:00

Love is not which alters when it alteration finds.

A blind Milton wrote these lines many decades ago but my young mind could never forget these lines from the day I first read it as part of my English syllabus in one of the English classes.

In the last few days I feel I have gone through the entire gamut of emotions that a human can possibly go through and I am richer for the experience. It has also given me clarity on what I want from my life.

Essentially it has reiterated my belief that the essence is in the being and the knowing and not in the form that it takes. Form is decided by life at a particular point in time and stems from a collective or individualistic expectation but the being is timeless. If love is in the knowing it is also in the nurturing of it irrespective of the form it takes. It has to remain alive in spirit. It cannot thrive in the desertion of it in the face of adversity and that is its biggest test.

P .S – The eagle is said to never have to face a storm because it charts its own route by flying above the storm.

Krishna's love was pure ...

2007-09-05T05:40:00.001-07:00

Yesterday was Krishna Janamashtami … I have grown up seeing Krishna Jhanki’s in our grandparent’s house and celebrations of this auspicious day throughout my growing up years.

Two years back during my sales training in UP, I also had the good fortune of visiting Mathura for half a day before catching the bus to Delhi for our mid month meeting when I saw the cell and visited the birthplace of the little lord. I call him little because that’s the image that has always fascinated me. Maybe because I love children too much and Krishna was indeed an exceptional child especially in his naughtiness. I remember my mother’s complains that we were very naughty as children (me and my twin were quite a handful) and we have had tales told of our childhood antics. I guess a child is very much uninhibited and pure and the child Krishna embodied it to perfection.

Drawn into thinking about my childhood and my carefree nature I remembered that I was quite a different child from the grown up I had become today. Quiet and content I used to love spending time with myself always. I was extremely idealistic and had always wanted and dreamt of a perfect life and an ever after kind of love.

Then somewhere along the way I lost my trust. There seemed to be no ideal situations in my life or in the lives of those around me. My world was shattering. People broke my trust and with it took away my childhood my innocence from me.

But they say its darkest before dawn and hope returned, and with it brought back my childhood dreams and trust. I against felt happy from inside, laughter filled my being as I saw the same dream again and this time I didn’t want to let it go. As I sat in uncertainty remembering the purity and uninhibitedness of Krishna’s love I acknowledged the power of pure love and the blessing. But clouds still thundered on my horizon. Could the dreams be shattered again? Is my lord so unforgiving? Wont I get another chance to rebuild my world or will I be punished for having lost my faith

A Method to the Madness !

2007-08-17T00:02:00.000-07:00

I remember this aspect of my childhood quite clearly. Maybe because it was so much ingrained in us and we believed so vehemently in it that it has left its impact on the conscious self. Paradoxically the memory was equally strong as to the guilty memory of a white lie that I had spoken as a small child. Maybe because ignorance of something can itself be a crime.

Similarly in my ignorance I did and believed in what I was told and what my little selfish self thought would give me immense happiness and a happy ever after kind of life. Whoever fed that to little children that the goal of their lives was to only seek every material comfort for yourself right in the early years of their existence is still according to me not to be blamed in anyway. The choice always was with the child or in this case me.

And so I called myself a believer, one who knew that her savior was the Lord and she prayed reverently for all the things she wanted in this life to her Lord. She went to holy places and she asked for whatever was top on her priority list at that time. She would think about it, wait eagerly for God to fulfill her wishes and then feel saddened when they didn’t come true. She would then do the worst she would question her faith.

Years passed and she grew up. She started recognising that she was better off without some of the things she had wished and prayed for. She started realizing the unacknowledged blessings that she had in her life one of them being the set of friends she had and slowly she started rethinking about her beliefs and de-conditioning herself of her acquired beliefs. Then came the day when life took a 360 degree turn. She did not want to ask God for anything anymore. She just couldn’t! For two years all she asked God when she thought of him was to guide her, show her the path. It came spontaneously wherever she went, whichever holy place she visited. It was the only thought that ever came to her mind. It was her obsession.

And at last he relented in front of her will. With all the benevolence and kindness that he has always been attributed with he came with open arms and a heart filled to the brim with love and showed her the way. He believed in her as she had believed in him. And she realized that there was indeed great power in true faith and that there was indeed a strong method to the apparent madness of this world and she thanked him everyday

The Restoration

2007-07-11T22:38:00.000-07:00

People sell their soul very easily now days. I had also done that ,subtly ,each day ,justifying my actions to myself till one day without realizing I had become that which I condemned in others and the world around me. It didn’t matter whether I was a dwarf in front of the giant I too had the seeds and I carried them in my heart and in my mind each day waiting for it to flare up when life presented me with bigger challenges, when much more would be at stake. The mind had always been so cluttered that it hadn’t allowed his message to pass through. I needed to unclutter and disentangle it.

And as I sat there under the beautiful majestic tree, eyes closed trying to look inside myself I realized for the first time in my life very strongly that I hadn’t live life at all so far. 28 years of life had gone by. I had very little time to do what I was chosen to do in this birth. That now I had to run for the rest of my life.

Random Acts of Goodness

2007-07-03T12:25:00.001-07:00

Can there exist partial truth? And are we living in a partial world? Today we tend to do things in half measures and each one of us assumes that he / she is doing it the best and better than the rest. We have created a world of comparison and relativity where we are “good” in relation to either the society around us or our neighbors or spouse or family or friends .In today’s relative world absoluteness of existence seems to have lost its meaning .Here there seems to be a lack of complete understanding of life and its true nature .

The Realm of the relative, our world, was created for us to fully experience ourselves. Only when the knowledge of what is bad exists can we experience the knowledge of that which is good and thus be inspired to move towards the absolute goodness. Goodness no longer remains confined to a few random acts done to justify oneself but the way we live our lives in every breathe that we take and every thought that we think. In this way we move towards seeking absoluteness in every state of human existence.

We start living an existence where we stop feeling the need of anything less than the absolute. An existence which is life enhancing and all encompassing filling us to our core and has no room for the emptiness that getting caught in the web of relativity brings.

A LIFE LESS ORDINARY

2007-05-27T13:07:00.000-07:00

People of Orphalese, you can muffle the drum, and you can loosen the strings of the lyre, but who shall command the skylark not to sing?

Experiments have been the foundation for great discoveries. The word experiment has always fascinated me. Even in my childhood days my young imagination which was very fertile used to conjure up many a unique scenarios and myriad possibilities in my life and in the lives of those around me. Then as I grew up my life got more conditioned, my thoughts started getting molded and casted in what was termed as “appropriate societal behavioral patterns” or something defined by a simpler word but in essence meaning the same. This was generally propagated by the supposedly more knowledgeable but conditioned adults who although had justification for whatever existence they chose for themselves and subjected their younger versions to but seldom had a convincing rationale behind it at least convincing enough to make me appreciate their viewpoints. Hence although I accepted what was usually thrust upon me it seldom was my conscious choice. My faith in what I followed routinely was on shaky grounds from the beginning and I followed it in thought and in deed but it never imprinted itself where it mattered the most- the subconscious self and what I believe today is an imprint on the soul.

Today whatever I choose to do in life is grounded in what I have experienced by taking independent decisions and learning from each one of them. My faith in what I do is much stronger and has made life much more peaceful for me. But the most fascinating part is that this belief system is dynamic and has the ability to change constantly. And for this I needed to experiment with life. Test out both my strengths and weakness. Evaluate them and assess where I stand periodically. Just the way we review our work with our bosses and build on the direction we need to take so do we need to work on our personal self. See where we are headed in life and weed out that which is not in harmony with our new and most recent learnings.

But it is here that we lack motivation the most because there is no apparent and immediate gain. We don’t even know the invisible harm that is being caused. So engrossed are we with tangible outcomes that we forget to spend time with ourselves. To see what’s inside us. We lead routine lives day in and day out following blindly what people before us have done never questioning our faith in what we do.

Why don’t we take a belief that we have and chose not to follow it at all for some days? Experiment and see how life is, can be, if you were to lead it in the opposite way and then decide what gives you peace. This doesn’t mean that you have the license to do wrong things, things which your conscience would never allow but to undo and relearn what you have been conditioned to accept without understanding the same. To unconstruct and resurrect the same. In doing so you would see things in a totally different light and one you never imagined could ever exist. It would require immense courage because many a times you would need to be extremely honest with yourself and above all forgive yourself and move on with life .But at the end of the day that is all that matters.

Mastering Extremes !

2007-03-23T07:08:00.000-07:00

Just the other day I was watching a serial where a family loses their male figure at a young age. The daughters are unable to cope with the trauma, feel lost and the mother instead of being able to express her grief is caught consoling the two. The episode was so moving it made me cry. Cry remembering the fear I had lived through everyday and the anguish I had gone through in my growing up years because both my parents are heart patients and had had heart attacks. I had felt like that duck who would be thrown into the pool of this big bad world without being taught how to swim or given anything to swim by. My only consolation was to somehow complete my education and be able to stand on my feet. That feeling had consummated me entirely during a particular phase of my life. Weird suggestion from friends and relatives of getting us married off, joining typing school and becoming a typist or a receptionist, and other very scary suggestions had given flame to this paranoia.I knew I didnt have the luxury to fail .

Today I have reached that stage that I can look back and say all my struggles are behind me. That the threshold that stands in front of me can only lead to better things and that life is good. By good I mean there is no longer the fear for survival. But this struggle and this journey has been one teacher and somewhere along the journey I learnt to master extremes – extremes of emotions being paramount.

As I reflected on this and other aspects of my childhood and growing up years I realized that I remembered nothing. No memory seemed to come back for 24 years of my life. As if someone had taken a slate and rubbed of every word from it. There was no pain, no negative emotions. How did I achieve this and when did I change so much? What lesson had life managed to teach me? When did I change to a woman for whom tears no longer existed or meant anything? It had been after a very long time that I had cried for myself. Today things may make me happy and things may make me sad, but I no longer crib for what I don’t have but rather smile for whatever I get. I no longer pity myself but look forward to brace any challenge for what I stand to learn from it. I cling to nothing but want to move on to the next incident in my life. I innovate everyday with what yesterday taught me.

Judging are You ? - A Good Read

2007-03-12T12:57:00.000-07:00

I found this article very interesting and worth a READ AND PONDERING OVER .

Why do people judge?

Why do people judge, why are people so interested in gossiping about others, in finding fault with others, in looking into others' loopholes and defects?

The mind tends to discuss the defects of others. It helps the ego to feel good. Everybody is such a sinner; when everybody is such a sinner, comparatively one feels like a saint. When everybody is doing wrong, it feels good that "At least I am not doing that much wrong."

Hence people talk about others' defects; not only do they talk about them, they go on magnifying them. That's why there is so much joy in gossiping. When the gossip passes from one hand to another hand, it becomes richer. And when it passes back again, something will be added to it. By the evening, if you come to know the gossip that you started in the morning, you will be surprised. In the morning it was just a molehill, now it is a mountain. People are very creative, really creative and inventive.

Why are people so interested in gossiping about others, in finding fault with others, in looking into others' loopholes and defects? Why are people continuously trying to look through others' keyholes? The reason is, this helps to give them a better feeling about themselves. They become Peeping Toms, just to have a good feeling, "I am far better." There is a motivation. It is not just to help others--it is not, whatsoever they say, notwithstanding what they say. The basic reason is, "If others are very ugly, then I am beautiful." They are following Albert Einstein's theory of relativity.

Atisha says: Don't ponder over others' defects, it is none of your business. Don't interfere in others' lives, it is none of your business.

But there are great moralists whose whole work is to see who is doing wrong. Their whole life is wasted; they are like police dogs sniffing here and there. Their whole life's work is to know who is doing wrong.

Atisha says: That is an ugly trait and a sheer wastage of time and energy. Not only is it a wastage but it strengthens and gratifies the ego. And an ego more gratified becomes more of a barrier.
And remember, it is not only a question of not discussing others' defects. Don't even be too much concerned about your own defects. Take note, be aware, and let the matter be settled then and there. There are a few other people who brag about their own defects....

It is suspected by psychologists that Saint Augustine's autobiography, his confessions, are not true. He bragged about his defects. He was not that bad a person. But man is really unbelievable. If you start bragging about your qualities, then too, you go to extremes. If you start bragging about sins, then too, you go to the extreme. But in both ways you do only one thing.

What Saint Augustine is doing is simple. By bragging about his defects and sins and all kinds of ugly things, he is preparing a context. Out of such a hell he rose and became a great saint. Now his saintliness looks far more significant than it would have looked if he had been simply a good person from the very beginning.

And the same is the case with Mahatma Gandhi in India. In his autobiography he simply exaggerates about his defects and goes on talking about them. It helps him in a very vicarious way. He was so low, he was in such a seventh hell, and from there he started rising and became a great mahatma, a great saint. The journey was very arduous. This is very ego-fulfilling.

Don't discuss others' defects, don't discuss your own defects. Take note, and that is that. Atisha says awareness is enough, nothing else is needed. If you are fully aware of anything, the fire of awareness burns it. There is no need for any other remedy.

Don't think about anything that concerns others And that's what you go on thinking. Ninety-nine percent of the things that you think about concern others. Drop them--drop them immediately!
Your life is short, and your life is slipping out of your fingers. Each moment you are less, each day you are less, and each day you are less alive and more dead! Each birthday is a death day; one more year is gone from your hands. Be a little more intelligent.
Do not think about anything that concerns others. Train first against the defilement that is greatest.

Gurdjieff used to say to his disciples--the first thing, the very very first thing, "Find out what your greatest characteristic is, your greatest undoing, your central characteristic of unconsciousness." Each one's is different.

Somebody is sex-obsessed. In a country like India, where for centuries sex has been repressed, that has become almost a universal characteristic; everybody is obsessed with sex. Somebody is obsessed with anger, and somebody else is obsessed with greed. You have to watch which is your basic obsession.

So first find the main characteristic upon which your whole ego edifice rests. And then be constantly aware of it, because it can exist only if you are unaware. It is burnt in the fire of awareness automatically.
And remember, remember always, that you are not to cultivate the opposite of it. Otherwise, what happens is a person becomes aware that "My obsession is anger, so what should I do? I should cultivate compassion." "My obsession is sex, so what should I do? I should practice brahmacharya, celibacy."

People move from one thing to the opposite. That is not the way of transformation. It is the same pendulum, moving from left to right, from right to left. And that's how your life has been moving for centuries; it is the same pendulum.

The pendulum has to be stopped in the middle. And that's the miracle of awareness. Just be aware that "This is my chief pitfall, this is the place where I stumble again and again, this is the root of my unconsciousness." Don't try to cultivate the opposite of it, but pour your whole awareness into it. Create a great bonfire of awareness, and it will be burned. And then the pendulum stops in the middle.

And with the stopping of the pendulum, time stops. You suddenly enter into the world of timelessness, deathlessness, eternity.

The Book of Wisdom, Chapter 9

BEFORE SUNSET

2007-01-23T10:33:00.000-08:00

I saw a beautiful movie today with the same title. I had wanted to see it for a long time but somehow never managed to. Either the CD was not working or I couldn’t get another copy. However before leaving Calcutta I had managed to get hold of it and download it on my computer.

So as I was seeing this movie I realized how much it was close to how I viewed and lead my life. The entire movie deals with a chance meeting of two strangers who really connect .The movie is about their conversations. As one of them says – to communicate with people is really hard. Yet I love to do that the most as did the two protagonists.

As both of them exchanged thoughts and ideas and merely conversed I was drawn into a world where I would just travel meet such people converse with them, exchange ideas – have intellectually stimulating conversations. Although very real yet it felt so unreal because of such a lack of interest amongst people I meet to actually engage in stimulating conversations and think beyond having fun and enjoyment.

Like the shades of a rainbow life should have different experiences. Weekend doesn’t only mean partying, watching a movie, downing some drinks, or going on a trek in short doing things that you consider enjoyment and have always done. A weekend could also mean doing something you have never done before. Experiencing something totally new. Seeing a new shade of life, tasting life anew.

As again I got pulled into the magic that the conversation between the two was weaving on me as it ranged from life and living in the moment to selflessness and humility of people who actually know how to give and help ,I wanted the freedom to soar like them badly .Dream and fly on thoughts that had wings , that grew from each other , that wanted us to explore this beautiful world around us that lay without even the surface of it being touched by the vast humanity that existed on it but didn’t understand it . I yearned for a different world. My world.

Butterfly with a broken Wing

2007-01-03T21:29:00.000-08:00

I read a line recently that went – “ Often the most important lessons arise from the most difficult times.”

The thing that most fascinates me about life is the ability to interpret the same thoughts differently at different stages in life. Why does this happen? Is this what is called maturity? And does maturity have anything to do with age? Just because we change our views as we move ahead in life, are we actually progressing?

Well we might be either moving forward or backwards, diagonally or in a circle but the most important thing and the first step to learning is that we are moving somewhere. When we allow our thought process to be questioned, when we seek newer thoughts, dig out and imbibe knowledge is when we are experimenting and putting in the effort that is required. If we do that we will reach the destination eventually. To stay your entire life in the same place without moving an inch forward caught in a web of acquired beliefs with no real basis is stagnating and wasting a life that could have meant so much more- that was supposed to teach so much more.

So as I re read this line – a quote, which I had read before in another form and one, which had always given me a hidden strength to survive, I thought about the butterfly that was born with a broken wing. Did she curse her existence? What did she feel when she was a child, what happened when she grew up? Did she finally realize that the good that happened in the world as well as the bad happened for a reason?

That she needed that handicap to learn important lessons in this birth, lessons that would build her soul. That her friend who was happy and gay and never faced her struggles was meant to learn other lessons in her life. Lessons about being able to help others because she was bestowed with the ability to do so. Lesson of love and compassion, of sharing and caring. That although they were different from her lessons they would also build her friend’s character, add another dimension to it. That they were both equal in God’s eye just that they were attending different classes to learn different things. Their syllabus was different.

I had read the same thought before but never interpreted it in this light .Was I right or wrong? I didn’t know. But somehow it felt very right. It had the power to HEAL.

When the sun shines

2006-12-18T05:49:00.000-08:00

I like to feel the sunbeams on my back for as long as I can remember. Soak in the warmth and the belongingness. Winter has never found favor with me. It is akin to darkness that signifies a loss taking me away from my true self .I don’t know the reason for this strong affinity but it stems from a deeper sub conscious level.

As I sat reflecting on these thoughts mulled into silence by the powerfulness of what I was experiencing I was realizing many untold and unacknowledged truths. Things I inherently understood but couldn’t define before I started reading this book suggested by a chance meeting with a stranger on my flight to Bombay .The books seemed to reinforce so many of my recently acquired beliefs giving them shape and form. It was as if I was meant to read it.

As a kid I always had this strange drive to excel. It made me do exceptional things like study under the blanket in 103 fever. There was this fire inside that propelled me to challenge the world – whom in particular was I trying to impress I didn’t know. Why was I doing this – I didn’t know. What would I gain? Some momentary acknowledgement and reckoning from fake people whom it didn’t really matter whether I impressed or not. Then why was I doing this? And where did peace and satisfaction lie. As my thoughts changed the path they had always tread I realized as a child our motivations are limited by our knowledge and what is fed to us from the world around us. But when we stay in isolation with ourselves is when we realize our innermost self and our true motivators.

I always was a loner of sorts having a world of my own in which I would get lost. Thus when I was with myself alone- totally alone for the first time in my life that my mind started opening to unexplored thoughts like a river waiting to overflow its banks. I started reading new things, exploring new thoughts, pursuing forgotten hobbies, developing new ones, appreciating what I had never appreciated as a kid and discarding old beliefs. I started acquiring a mind of my own. A mind and a thought process which was carved out of my isolation by following what my instincts wanted me to follow without any influences or someone’s else’s interpretations to my realities. This is also when I started to blog and write. Everything that was surging inside me, these new findings wanted an outlet, wanted to be told.

There were times when I felt weak, when the new journey I had embarked on didn’t seem to give the support I wanted.So little I knew, there was no ratification from people I knew. What appeared scary was at times these beliefs seemed to appear fatalistic as they killed the negativity, the angst inside me. I no longer felt that drive, that mindlessness that formed part of a younger me. But I liked these new beliefs and I held on. I searched for guidance and ways of keeping the fire alive, and found it. I again wanted to excel but on a different path and in a different way. There was still a race to be won but of a different kind and with a core far more stronger and substantial.

Today my beliefs have become a way of life for me. I see a different tomorrow. A different sun shines on my path. I feel guided to a newer world based on a different construct. One that makes me feels inherently happy and complete. An existence freed from all the negativities that plague human existence. I now know where peace lies inside me and what path I have to follow. It is hazy but it is there and every step I take guides me to the next.

Crossing the threshold

2006-09-08T11:50:00.000-07:00

Ever since I was a child I had had a higher threshold level for it. We are three sisters and amongst the three of us I think I could manage it the best. I was lauded for it also and felt quite a bit of pride at the fact. Though now when I look back I wonder whether arrogance and pride in something so basic is justified. It’s just something you’re born with and it’s the function of what your level of consciousness is at a given point in time.

You must be wondering by now what exactly I am talking about here. Well you may cringe on hearing the word but what I am talking about is something very basic and fundamental to our existence – the presence of pain or rather the experienced of pain in our lives , in our journey of life . There is no one on this earth who hasn’t experienced pain in one form or the other , yet we are scared of acknowledging its presence. Why?

Pain which we all consider as unholy, a burden on our souls. But is it really so? Have we ever tried to look at it from a different perspective? Are not our thinking patterns so grounded and set that we don’t look at things differently. What if it were not so? Why are we not questioning? Is pain a reality that God wants us to experience? Maybe. So then its time to look at it differently. Its time to discard the mental barriers created by us for we may not even have a rational explanation for them.

There are gateways which we as humans tend to shun. These are gateways to our soul, our inner self - that which hides the presence of the supreme self within it, what some of us may believe in or call God. These gateways are there, very obvious to any one who would want to learn but yet we ignore them. If I now pause and reflect I don’t think I am aware of all of them , I might not be even close either but my proximity or awareness of pain has always been an inherent in me .

Pain is, I believe, one such gateway to a higher state of existence. It’s just that we aren’t aware of it because we never explored pain. It’s like that threshold that we never want to cross. But what if we allowed ourselves to experience it without any inhibitions? Experienced pain with a wild abandonment. Accepted it in our lives. Let it flow through us, through every pore of our body right to our souls.

We need to cross over that threshold that demarcates the two states of the mind – pain and pleasure. I am aware that it’s the crossing over that is the most difficult part. It’s like an abrupt halt that we make just ebfore the threshold unknown to what lies on the other side, not even aware of the door that is standing invisible in front of us that leads to that wonderful world that lies beyond. A world of compassion, of greater sensitivity and different level of existence – the purpose for which we are born.

And if it is the greater purpose for which we are born as I like to believe then what stops us? It is that one negative emotion called Fear. Fear is at the core. Fear of tomorrow. Fear of yesterday and even the fear of today. If we accept what we get in life then we are not scared of anything and that is I believe is raw power. A fearless mind has great power unequaled to only time which I believe has the greatest power on this earth.

To sum it up it is fear that binds us, prevent us from reaching out and crossing over to the next level. Pain on the other hand is an embodiment of truth.

As a great poet had once said “Where the mind is without fear and the head is held high …………..”

TO QUILLS WITH LOVE

2006-08-22T10:59:00.000-07:00

Hey dear thanks for tagging me ..I thought people had given up since I havent been really dutiful on that front or for that matter blogging ..been very busy ,,but will do some writing soon . However I had decided to do the Tag today and have managed the same so here goes -

I am thinking all the time

I said I will never give up

I want to explore everything

I wish to fly

I miss someone or something but only for that moment

I hear something even in the silence

I wonder about God and his beautiful amazing fascinating world.

I regret nothing . My mistakes make me .

I am a soft person

I dance all night long

I sing when I am happy

I cry to soothe the pain and come out of it

I am not bad to aneone

I write to understand what I experience

I confuse myself sometimes .

I need God’s blessings and my faith

I should always strive for something .

I finish when I begin again .

To Where the Sun Sets ...

2006-07-04T07:42:00.000-07:00

I have always felt this, as they say, in my bones that there is more to life than meets the eye. It has been like an uneasiness that always travels with me, in my mind, in my thoughts- like a shadow, a feeling you can’t shrug off. A truth that cannot be denied.

Ever wondered why it is sunny one day and rains the next? Why the gently flowing breeze and the slightly cloudy sky make your heart sing one day and the gloomy weather makes you want to cry the very next? Doesn’t everything in nature talk of the impermanence of life?

On a still clear day as you sit by the poolside you can see your reflection clearly in the water. Suddenly a stone comes from nowhere and causes the water to ripple erasing your reflection completely. Moments are like these images, thousands of them that flit across the radar of what we call life.

Seen a setting sun. Like poetry captured and frozen in one moment. Horizon is where the sun and the earth meet. Try walking toward it. The more you come nearer to it the farther it seems to go away from you. Life and all things around us are like these elements of nature that tell us subtly, everyday ,that we are living in a make belief world , and world that is grounded in only one truth – that of impermanence .

We are always grasping at things which are inherently ungraspable and the more we try to grasp them the more we are drawn towards them , the more we want to attain them becoming one whose wants know no end , always seeking and wanting a false happiness . A happiness which has no feet.

At this point I feel the need to make a bold statement. One may feel that it is harshly put too. But if one were to think of it then the only thing that is indeed permanent in life is Death. Everything in life has a relative veracity. Everyone has their own truths! But none can deny that absolute eventuality, the surety and intensity of which is all pervasive and omnipresent. It is a truth; it is the only truth of existence.

And if it is the truth of our existence then what are we doing about it? Our life revolves around our wants, our world as we desire it .Instant gratification are our truths which make us dissatisfied at the core.

We are bothered with only what we can perceive with our 5 senses and running to assuage them .We don’t look behind the curtain, what is there that lies at the end of the journey, where are we truly headed and if we are going somewhere what are we supposed to gather on the way to be prepared for that ultimate truth, for the destination!

Shouldn’t we start looking beyond tomorrow??

THE DENIAL

2006-06-08T12:43:00.000-07:00

Why do we always seek reassurances? Aren’t we more obsessed with what is going on in someone else’s mind? We tend to spend more time in a day thinking what others around us think of us. Isn’t that a sign of weakness? A failing! Our inability to be able to assess our own selves or rather our dependence on other people’s acceptance of who we are. Doesn’t then our identity as it truly is become a farce? And if so why?

I believe that if there is fear behind anything we do (be it of any kind) then doing it is wrong. Fear of rejection, fear of loosing material things, fear of being misunderstood. Then we become this constant bundle of anxiety that is always trying to confirm to someone else’s reality, trying to please others and in essence killing their own independent identity and thoughts.

The other end of the spectrum is just as worse. By trying not to get affected by what other’s think or opiniate about us and going into a denial mode. Closing ourselves to any constructive feedback that people around us can provide. It is human nature to cling on to some defined existence. They cannot live is suspended beliefs, they have to choose between the two ends. Hence if we want to protect our self from the vulnerability of being exposed to external scrutiny we start mocking what others say or do. So much so that we start believing that only our thoughts, our way of living and doing things is right. This helps us preserve our self esteem as according to us the others around us are always wrong. Such people are the weakest and can only be identified to an ostrich that hides his head in the sand seeing the impending storm believing it will blow away without causing him any harm. Such people cocoon their existence to a false reality seen only by them.

Man is a social animal. This saying has a greater connotation when we understand that by mingling with others we are exposed to their good and bad. We learn new things about life, different perspectives. We need to imbibe the good we meet around us to constantly upgrade ourselves as human beings weeding out the bad in the bargain .Although we should give importance to other people’s opinion but it should be as a feedback mechanism . By preserving our identity as it is and evaluating a situation from a third person’s perspective we can actually improve the quality of our life and our thoughts. But sadly we choose to be at either ends - fear that forces us to be conformists or denial which makes us arrogant and shallow.

AS SHE RIDES !

2006-05-22T13:14:00.000-07:00

It’s been almost three months now since I started riding. I have by now completed some 20 classes. Last I wrote on this topic was when I had finished my 2 nd class. Everyday as I rode and new thoughts flowed through my mind, my new learning’s , I wanted to blog but at the end of the day was too tired to think or rather write .

Ever since I have started pursuing hobbies (some thing I did when I was a kid and a simple pleasure we forget as we grow up) I have realized that everything in life is interlinked and nothing can be dealt with in isolation. Everything teaches u something beyond what it’s supposed to and adds to one’s personality which resonates in every aspect of one’s life. A thing that came as a surprise to me or maybe I had never seen the significance of learning something new in this light before. Atop a horse so many thoughts kept flowing in and out and I have revisited so many simple truths which although we know but tend to forget as we progress in life.

Pace – When riding at least in the beginner’s level one is made to ride in a circle with other riders in front or behind you. You can either be at the beginning of the pack where u set the pace, middle where u restrict ur pace to the horse in front and behind you (you don’t want them either kicking each other or biting at the each other’s behinds – apparently horses love to do that) or and the end of the pack where u loose a bit of focus and lazily trotter around. As we moved round and round in a pack it suddenly hit me. Pace is so important in life. We always need to pace ourselves, constantly, whether work or play and maintaining this pace is the toughest and the trickiest part. Also knowing what pace to use and when to use it.

Fears – It is only when you face your demons can you exorcise them. We all have our own set of fears and ones we never try to face. It is only when we are driven to a corner that we take stock of the situation at hand. For me although I wasn’t afraid of the horse or of falling off it my fears stemmed from a more subconscious level. Since I was a kid I had this problem of nervousness and weak knees. My knees would just give way and start to shake and hence I never had the courage to participate in events as a kid. Although that got better as I grew up I hated myself for not being able to control the involuntary shaking that happened. This happened to me on the horse when the horse suddenly bolted. Although I immediately pulled the reigns and controlled the horse from going wild I just couldn’t stop the involuntary quivering of my body and especially the ways my knees were acting. The horse has a very great sense of judging your confidence level on it and was not giving me an easy time. But I didn’t get down and continued riding. Mentally I made up my mind to work out more on my legs in the GYM so that they never felt weak again (I so hate this feeling because it’s not under my control and is triggered by some sub conscious hidden reaction) and decided to keep at the riding. And as days have passed I feel this feeling reducing in its magnitude. That day I relearned another important lesson – we can master anything in life if we want to especially our weaknesses and fears !

(BTW just for the update. I have fallen 3 times since I started riding and somehow I notice I am the only one in my group who has fallen in the first place – what am I doing right he he …my latest fall was last Friday where Sir got over confident and made shruti strut her stuff and riding skills on the horse without reigns and with arms folded in front of her.. I managed to please him by maintaining my balance and was extremely proud of being able to show off in front of others; like a 2 year old kid when sir tried the advance stunt and made the horse canter. Shruti promptly decided to end his euphoria by completely loosing her balance and falling off...Only this time the fall was quicker as the horse was moving faster and more sudden and didn’t break...so she has a swollen tail bone and is resting at home missing her GYM, swimming and riding classes – need to avoid jerks till the pain goes.. What a mess!!!)

Passions – Another thing that I learnt and which I feel all the time in whatever I do – that passions in life are so important – whether it be work, play or a hobby. Only when Ur passionate about something are you truly alive. And passions breed restlessness and give way to a constant state of flux that seeks a greater tranquility and truth ( Okie okie I am getting a little inspired by this Tibetan philosophy I am currently reading about life and dying . The truths as seen and felt by the great masters . Will share some interesting thoughts on that later.)

Balance - That everything is in the balance. You can ride a horse without reign and saddle by just maintaining your balance atop it. And to get the balance right you need to maintain the correct posture. As I tried working on my balance I realized that with each passing class my confidence as well as balance on the horse got better and whatever I learnt in the previous class I carried forward to the next class. I didn’t forget the learning’s and they became a part of my posture and balance. One of the greatest truths hit me then – that practice and practice alone makes one perfect and that life is constantly about learning and imbibing those learning’s . That each day you carry forward something more as part of you, of your soul as you try to balance your existence in this journey called life.

Reigns – That reigns is the only means of contact with the horse other than the legs. That we need to use both of them with dexterity .That the harder we pull the reign or kick the horse the more stubborn it will become or it will not react to commands. Even the slightest tug at the reigns when they are held properly can make the horse obey. That in life one needs to skillfully maneuver the reigns with the right attitude and humbleness. Tugging at it just doesn’t work.

PS - will update abt fiza and me later .

Geo's Tag

2006-05-10T22:19:00.000-07:00

1.Grab the book nearest to you, turn on page 18 and find line 4.

She recovered quickly – from Twist in the Tale ( jeffery Archer) . Am reading it so carry it with me now a days
2.Stretch your left arm out as far as you can.

yes ,.. but I did my strechin this morning in the gym ( extra punishment ?? why)

3. What is the last thing you watched on TV?

I fell off asleep watching but I think it was some comedy on Hallmark

4.Without looking, guess what time it is?

10.40 am

5. Now look at the clock, what is the actual time?

10.30 am ( Am not a genius .. wht are u tryin to prove den ..every1 knws it )

6. With the exception of the computer, what can you hear?

well I am in office – boss , colleague and VP all on tour leavin shruti to fight it out alone at the battle field . Its so silent and boring that all I can hear is my heart beat

7. When did you last step outside? What were you doing?

Today morning . Went for a routine blood test ordered by my dietician .

8. Before you started this survey, what did you look at?

Geo,s blog whence I remembered tht I ahd his TAG pending

9. What are you wearing?

Boring office wear

10. Did you dream last night?

I sleep like a log and love sleeping , no time to dream

11. When did you last laugh?

DAY before yesterday – I was in my cranky mood and was irritating my friend on the phone and laughin my guts out at his replies

12. What is on the walls of the room you are in?

All kinds and shapes of posters of torches that u can possibly deram of

13 Seen anything weird lately?

Define weird . maybe I might be a little too weird for U

14. What do you think of this quiz???????

geo give me some interestin tags and I would love to do them .give me something like this and I will yawn thru

15. What is the last film you saw?

Gangster

16. If you became a multimillionaire overnight, what would you buy?

Sports cars, Horse ranch , horses , farm

.17. Tell me something about you that I dunno.

I am a cancerian ( he he he he )

18. If you could change one thing about the world, regardless of guilt or politics, what would you do?

Remove Poverty .

19. Do you like to dance?

I love dancing . I can dance all night . I date people on the basis of how they dance .( AM that crazy)

20. George Bush.

??????? … not worth talkin abt

21. Imagine your first child is a girl, what do you call her?

sunflower ( my mom used to call me tht as a kid )

22. Imagine your first child is a boy, what do you call him?

A small boy would be a terror and wouldn’t look pretty also . No comments

23. Would you ever consider living abroad?

Hmm not really .

24.What do you want GOD to say to you when you reach the pearly gates?

I am proud of U ! And I pardon ur mistakes !

25. 5 people who must also do this meme in their journal.

Am sparing my friends this torture !!!!1

BUsy BEE !

2006-04-21T20:43:00.000-07:00

I havent been able to post much ...although i might have visualised what I would write so many times .. but am very busy with work and all the hobbies... my horse riding is coming along well ( also fell down from the horse twice - last sunday was the latest - started on sunday evenings too ..talk about craziness ) ... flew down this week to mumbai to see ad shoot for our company with amitabh bacchchan ( okie by now most of u must have guessed where I work ) ,, was a good experience thou amitabh was distant ( not a good mood) .. couldnt stay back for the last day still shoots cos there was work in office ( amitabh was in a good mood and gave cool shots with the rest of the team , gave autographs and talked ) .. neways all the tags and posts are pending .. will try to put them up soon .. today is the gym khana at where I go horse riding .. kind of competition.. hopefully wont come last !

Beginnings and ends

2006-03-23T06:46:00.000-08:00

There are so many choices one has to make in life but sometimes these lead to inner turmoil because they start questioning your deepest beliefs and you must deal with them all alone.

The Road Not Taken
by Robert Frost

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that, the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

Goa the Shruti Way !

2006-03-19T10:57:00.001-08:00

Another view of my favourite beach . Does this help ?

Guess the beach ? My favourite .. A guide to Goa as I have seen it coming soon .

MEMOIRS OF A HORSE RIDER / LOVER

2006-03-08T13:54:00.000-08:00

IT was a an unearthly hour … I groped around in the darkness .. crash .. blonk . … @%$# … clink … ( at last I came into contact with the light switch) …I never thought I had it in me I wondered (aka RDB).. to actually be able to fight for a cause ..in this case my long cherished dream almost a revered passion .For getting up at 5 in the morning for me was like fighting with the enemy at the battlefield .. an almost Herculean task .. next to impossible !!

It was my 2 nd class..I arrived just in time ,,the clock had struck 6 .. the other riders had arrived and mounted their muses … I hurriedly got into the “ appropriated dress” .. now what were the instructions of the last class???… my mind had gone totally blank..as the horse stood majestically in the distance waiting impatiently (Horse : really ??? come fast U oaf … what’s taking U so long ???? am not used to waiting !!!) … As I approached the horse .. almost apologetically ..my instructor suddenly instructed me to ride another horse.. a bay colored one (which the girl in front of me had apparently refused to ride )… much bigger than the ones I could see around me .. I glanced/ peeped at the horse ..the horse looked at me in disdain …I am a thoroughbred !! .. its whole demeanor seemed to scream out … ( for the uninitiated a throughbred is a horse meant for racing and hence much more powerful .. prone to some common ugh traits ..like they are kickers … most likely to throw u off their backs… suddenly tug at the reins so hard that u think ur arms are going to come out of their sockets ..as if they hate u for riding them a( horse – hey human ..whts ur breed??/ … u dare ride me ..do u even have the faintest idea who I am .. ???? pata nahi kahan kahan se aa jate hain subah subah needh kharab karne !!) .and also shake themselves from head to tail as if they are having a sudden seizure as u are hailed from side to side like a pendulum as an entirely calm and unperturbed stable hand tells u that the horse is merely flicking away the flies that are irritating him ..not seeming to see anything out of place or acknowledging ur shook up and disheveled appearance

Okay So I am supposed to love them ..I do .. I do .. that’s why I still dare to ride one ..and also seem to be most happy to have got the opportunity to ride a thoroughbred ( meant only for advanced classes .. and I was just in the beginners .. there was still the medium to go)..could it get any better ?..the instructor actually thot me worthy enough to ride one ( Horse – really ??The reason I am there in the first place is shortage of horses u dummy and the other people here are obviously more important people than u , u nondescript creature hence its ur neck that’s being stuck out )

Well oblivious to what I was getting into … and delighted at the opportunity to ride such a fine horse ( for thoroughbreds are beautiful to look at with shining skin and a magnificent almost royal appearance and aura around them ) I walked towards the horse .. Head held high.. And an almost regal stride (trying to match the horse) .. and suddenly came to a standstill . The horse loomed large in front of me.. more than 6 feet tall.. there was no way I could climb that .. I looked hopelessly and helplessly at the trainer … “sir I don’t think I can climb atop”( okay ! okay ! I wont say I whined - that would be insulting myself a wee much ) … however with a little help and a rushed recap of last class instructions ( on apparently how to mount any horse) and after making a complete fool of myself … I rose …and with a huge ( and almost graceful swing of my leg or so I believed) which thankfully reached the other side of the horse ( somehow ) ..I was finally there where I belonged (but wasn’t I a natural horse rider ! – Horse - In your dreams u Dimwit !) …

Hmm … The walk … and then the trot …. Today’s class was all about the TROT .. trot is when you kick the horse in the tummy ( not too hard or up might end u regretting it as the horse gallops away leaving ur little frame behind somewhere in the dust trying to find your bearings if any left at all) make your horse trot … barked the instructor… but apparently it isn’t as easy as that ,, as the horse trots away to glory ..ur supposed to rise up and down in your seats along with the rhythm of the horse …up down ..up down ,.,, ofcourse nobody taught u to balance your heavy body atop a horse back in high school ???/ .. standing like a frail little piece of whatever …almost knocking your self out of the saddle trying to go up and down at the speed of lighting .. or at least it seems so …
of course it helps a lot , especially if you have to keep the following in mind simultaneously while struggling with the effort of keeping your balance as well as rising up and down like ur bottom was on fire …!!!

1) keep your back ramrod straight
2) align your Hip ??/ and Heel with your back .. hence everything should be ramrod straight
3) However while keeping yourself ramrod straight .. only your lower part of the body should be rigid … the upper part should be totally relaxed with utter fluidity in every motion that u make above the waist ( ofcourse it helps a lot to relax if u keep ur spine ..yes u guessed it right ..RAMROD straight !!)
4) Heels down … toes turned out slightly tucked it ..
5) The widest part of your feet should be in the stirrup to give u maximum leverage as u do monkey dance on the horse ( up n down ..Up n down )
6) Reins to be held between thumb ..index…and mmm little finger and the middle sorry forget what to do with the middle .finger ( let it just hang in there somewhere ) .. now what is the fifth finger called …hmm forget it .. hold the reins..
7) Keep sure the reins are always tight enough to keep you in contact with the horses mouth .. that is the only contact and means of communicating with the horse ( my heart takes a small lurch in its cage ..ugh ribs and I tighten my grip …now I cant even relax my hands ..I would have been less frightened by a horror story involving … 100 demons … and another 100 ghosts .. atleast I wouldn’t end up with broken bones !!)

Okay these are some of the many instructions ( and believe me there are many more small details which I obviously forget …) one has to keep in mind and simultaneously follow ..while riding on the horse .. and at no time during the entire session should your mind waver even for a second …or your posture compromised .. (oh hell !!! its 6 in the morning .. and I am not an early riser at all . MERCY !!!) ..

Suddenly after a lot of failed attempts at standing up and sitting down @ speed of light ..I suddenly realize that the motion is coming naturally to me ..juts as naturally as a kid tries to walk and keeps falling down and then suddenly takes its very first step ..at least that is the surge of happiness I got form this sudden new found way that I seemed to have acquired of going up and down ( it certainly seemed to require lesser effort than the previous version hence I was absolutely convinced this was the way it was meant to be and wasn’t I much better than the other riders who apparently seemed to be still going up and down in a funny way …or was it that I was the odd one out and was probably the laughing stock .. mentally the rest of them were laughing there minds off at me .. and my weird antics .. alas there was no way to find out … hence I continued with my head held high and with a superior air about me just like a cat who had finally managed to lick the cream ..(at least it was better than looking unsure about exactly what I was trying to do – either way I was making a fool of myself clowning around !!) …

Hmm .. well in the midst of all this .. my dreamer self took over ( did I Tell ya that I am prone to bouts of daydreams and had been nicknamed “ Dream girl” as a kid by the seniors girls since I used to suddenly get lost in thoughts ..still do ) and hence very naturally I got lost in my thoughts – this time I was thinking about how good I was at riding .. what a little find I am .. a treasure trove …a delight to watch …and how I would Brag sorry blog about this on my blog ! .. and I completely forgot I was supposed to be AT ATTENTION… the trainer’s voice seemed to come from far off into my dream world shattering it as he barked angrily … where are u Girl ? And why the hell are u slouching.. sit straight .. where are ur feet.. heels down .. tuck in ur toes ..what are u doin ? cant u even remember the basics.. hold the reins tight … they control the horse !!

Shruti - meekly( giving an impish grin or so she believed !) …sorry Sir .

Trainer - Well okay .. sit straight ..like a lioness.. “shairni ki Mafik”….

Vow that sounds easy … however owing to the dreamer nature I couldn’t help analyzing this new simile angle and started imagining my own parallels… Instantly transporting myself to 19 th century India … with head held high she ( rani laxmi bai ) surveryed her lands .. with a regal air I looked around me ,.,and the familiar rhymes of that famous poem floated in the periphery of my mind – “ Bundale Har bolo ke muh hamne suni Kahani thi , khub ladi mardani voh to Jhansi wali rani thi”.. by now the instructor had given up on me .. and moved his attention elsewhere .. however I continued to believe I was doin everything right ( cos wasn’t I a natural with the horses ??? ) … Soon the sessions came to an end ..and we had to dismount … ofcourse as I came back to earth I realized that today’s lessons had left behind more marks than I had bargained for …atleast my battered lower half seems to scream that out … and that night saw my entire body feeling as if it had been twisted and rinsed out thoroughly …when every part seemed to protest as I took myself off to bed for an early and longer than usual sleep ….

Signing off .
A battered Shruti
( to be continued – feeling very sleepy now )

P.S.- If you haven’t already got bored .. more will follow later .. this was just the 2 nd class and I have apparently become the lifetime member of EFI (Equestrian Federation of India ) .. which entitles me to avail of the rising/ riding facilities of any society / club affiliated to it all over India …However on a more serious and parting note.. I enjoyed every moment of it!!! It was as if I was born for riding a horse (Horse – Dream away u NUT! The worse is still to come ..)

Worth a Read

2006-03-08T09:18:00.000-08:00

I wanted to share this nice piece with you all.........especially the bankers This is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by a 96 year old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times. (it's worth a minute to read.) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Sir, I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it.

I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded,
faceless entitywhich your bank has become.

Starting from now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate. Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.

Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/herfinancial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course, I will issue your employee a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the numberof button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service.

As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press the buttons as follows:

1.To make an appointment to see me.
2.. To query a missing payment.
3.. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4.. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5.. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6.. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7.. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to the Authorized Contact.
8.. To return to the main menu to listen to options 1 through 7.
9.. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year. Your Humble Client

Triangle is it ?

2006-03-03T23:05:00.000-08:00

Well... I have just started my new profile ... and was glad to learn today that my boss ...GGM flashlights was a thinker as well.... he made a comment which set me thinking ..infact we discussed quite a lot on many issues .. and hence there has been a lot of thinking ..and everything is getting quite jumbled up ( me being a simple person with simple abilities)..hence lets take this one at a time .

One issue which seemed to really interest me was about this triangle ... love , hate or indifference ...boss said that the opposite of love is not hate .. but indifference .. and that love and hate run parallel to each other ... well i would like to blog on this .. but it seemed a good topic for discussion and hence would like to make it an open forum .. hence anybody who visits is welcome to air his/ her views for some stirring discussion ...

Old Sins cast long Shadows !

2006-02-27T07:46:00.000-08:00

Charity! Another word that seems to decay and loose its essence in today’s world. A word that seems to have been left without any meaning, a mere prop for those who cannot brave the consequences of their own decisions.

Does charity only mean giving away a few bucks to some society who apparently works for the upliftment of some poor somewhere? Is money the only parameter to define a human deed that has much more to it than what it seems to mean to most people? More importantly is it the right parameter at all?

As I see it charity is much more than the material manifestation it seems to assume .Charity is not feeling pity or helping someone needy to give yourself a boost or a pat on the back .It is sharing yourself with others – your time , emotions , thoughts , learning with those who want it and need it . It is reaching out to someone on a one to one basis , more to do with an experience that touches one’s soul .Its as much for others as for yourself – enriching one’s emotions and experiences of life ,showing newer perspectives.

It is even more sad when charity is done through someone else. It certainly cannot be passed on or off loaded to someone else. If you can’t even take the trouble of doing it yourself its better that you don’t do it at all. What’s the use if you can’t see the smile that you put on someone’s face , share their experiences , help them through life - guide them , support them , cry when they cry , laugh when they laugh .

The worst abuse of charity is when people consider it as a substitute to assuage their guilty conscience. There is no such equation – good, bad, positive, negative don’t cancel each other out. It’s like a balance sheet – both assets and liabilities exist in God’s books and you are accountable both for your bad deeds as well as the good ones. Hence its better that you don’t do something for which you can’t look at yourself in the mirror without cringing and far better that you do charity for charity’s sake alone.

When did I stop believing in fairytales or did I?

2006-01-30T12:11:00.000-08:00

In a world full of possibilities and the presence of the “unknown” one thing we all like to cling onto is HOPE. Each day is spent in hope and anticipation of the future .And if that is so do we ever stop believing in anything or is it that we just convince ourselves that something cannot happen based on our experience and sometimes merely for peace of mind .

This thought brings me to the dream nurtured by every little girl in her growing up years – that of the possibility of a fairytale in her life .But then do fairytales exist? What is love and more importantly what is “True Love”. I once read a quote that went – True Love is like a ghost that everyone talks about but few have seen. It made me wonder how much do we actually know about love that we can say that we are in love with someone. Are there any parameters for judging love? Set rules? Definitions? Poets and authors have been for generations trying to define this “elusive feeling” each giving his own interpretation but no common ground seems to have been sought till date.

Although I have just questioned the plausibility of trying to define or capture the essence of this deeply intense feeling called love I cannot but refrain myself from pointing out my views ( that spring from my very limited experience on this subject and my still young existence ) Humans beings by virtue of their nature cannot live in a world of suspended beliefs and are motivated by some hidden and unknown force ( that is how we convince ourselves) to take a stand ( of course on every possible subject under this sun – whether we are capable or not of this honor is a debatable question) and hence I cannot but succumb.

I strongly believe (and the rights and wrongs are always questionable) that love is the most abused and misinterpreted word of our times. Everything that one can feel for the opposite gender is termed as love either because it makes one happy to believe so or due to societal pressures to confirm. What’s worse is we also seem to have a set definition as to how a lover should behave , what he is expected to do , how he is supposed to woo , how many months he is supposed to chase his lady love , how should he propose , how should he pee ( oops sorry I got carried away ) etc .Of course any deviation ( read originality )would lead to fits of histrionics with ample amount of you don’t love me thrown in ( helped and assisted by unwanted advice and psychological analysis by everyone even remotely connected to you). Somehow it is the intrinsic property of this word love that evokes one and all to believe that they are scholars in the said discipline and can easily write a thesis on the same.

To me (and hence the views expressed are totally personal and not intended to be limiting on anyone) love is the most complex human emotion and one should have the freedom to feel and discover it on their own. Love is a feeling of such intense calm, peace and inner tranquility that it doesn’t need action or words to validate it .It is a spiritual feeling beyond physical and mental boundaries.

Seeking Gaurantees when none exist !

2006-01-26T09:46:00.000-08:00

Hey mind curry ..thanks for tagging me ..this gave me an opportunity to really think and structure some of what I feel ! .. Btw its not a cal perspective ..I would say its a "Shruti " perspective unique to her ! Also I wont be able to pull this through as I dont have any blogger pals except you and one more school friend and I dont track blogs due to lack of time ...

Here goes -

Rules of the game are...
1. The tagged victim has to come up with 8 different points of their perfect lover or partner. (yes, eight!! and different too!)
2. Need to mention the sex of the target
3. Tag 8 victims to join this game & leave a comment on their comments saying they’ve been tagged. (its helpful to leave a link to your post, just in case the victims misunderstand the word "tagged" and come after you)
4. If tagged the 2nd time, there’s no need to post again. ( not sure if you still can post if you are tired of your first "lover" already or something..)

Sex of the Person :male

The Imperfect guy ( there is no such thing as perfect/ ideal situations in life or persons and we love each other accepting their faults )

1) He needs to be intelligent, someone I can respect and admire and can lean on for support in my decisions.

2) Someone who is not a control freak and gives me the space to take my own decisions and learn from my mistakes. Should try to guide me and reason with me and not force his decisions on me.

3) He should be non judgmental because no one can really fully understand why a particular person behaves in a particular way as it is a function of their up bringing and circumstances and hence should be kind to people and to himself too.

4) He should be able to take failures as well as success in his stride and learn from adverse circumstances. Shouldn’t be too materialistic. Should have a spiritual outlook.

5) Should be a romantic and that doesn’t mean in love only, a person can be romantic in a thousand ways. Should be able to think and give little surprises.

6) Shouldn’t be hot tempered or prone to shout and fight. Should be calm and cool tempered.

7) Should be attractive and that can comes from a good personality and an intelligent and sensitive mind.

8) Should know what loving someone truly means and love me in its purest form.

9) Lastly ( and I am exceeding my limit ) He must let go and not hold on to bits and pieces of the past that are best forgotten ( most important thing in any relationship)
If you forgive me, then you must forget,
Or else, my dear, I’ll unforgiven go,
I couldn’t bear that all the things I have done,
Should be like scars that you must ever show.
I could not bear to think that any day,
The things I had hoped were buried in your mind,
Should be brought out again until new sins,
In little ghosts of old sins you should find.
So, dear, you must forget if you forgive,
There is no other way, so be quite sure,
Before you seal my happiness with smiles,
That those same smiles for all times will endure.

P.S. – Not written by me :-)

Do we or Don’t we?

2006-01-13T10:43:00.000-08:00

Rationalization? This term has been haunting me for the past few days for reasons I cannot point my finger at but the uneasiness remains. The question that keeps arising in my mind is - Don’t human beings as a whole resort to rationalization as a tool in every decision and choice that they make in life and isn’t it that which keeps them sane. Imagine what mayhem would follow if we were to take random decisions. Wouldn’t one contradict the other? More so wouldn’t one be left wandering aimlessly in all directions?

But aren’t we deluding ourselves? Is it not so that only when we convince ourselves that the path that is untried actually doesn’t paint a rosy picture (amply helped by colleagues and friends who themselves no nothing or are maybe even at a tangent) do we feel satisfied that the path chosen is the right one . What could be more terrifying a thought that the truth of an assumed reality which we haven’t experienced. Isn’t such an existence the most morbid one that can spring for someone as evolved by God’s grace as a human being? What is then the solution to this if there is one? Isn’t innovating oneself constantly a way to move closer to a truth that is eluding us and is most of the times a fabrication of our or someone else’s imaginations ( read limited thought processes ) .But why we as human beings in the garb of society and moral values fear change ? Why do we chose a monotonous existence and are ready to accept only those who confirm to a forced reality. Why do we need to be conformists? Aren’t we moving backwards instead of progressing? The thought is saddening.

Seeking Redemption !

2005-04-15T09:26:00.000-07:00

What is right or wrong ? Who decides what is right and what is wrong ? Can our actions be objectively classified or is it subjective ? Can we afford to create a world where everybody is either Black or White and we sit and pass judgement on their morality ! Is it feasable ? Isnt it claustrophobic and suffocating and an attempt to curtail the mind which knows no bounds , our ability to learn - experiment with truths .

There is no right or wrong in this world . Barring a miniscule percentage of the people ( who are really abd i.e dont posses a conscience ) everything one does is circumstantial . We are the way we are because of our upbringing , our circumstances , what we have faced in life or what we will face in future - which is different for everyone . Then how can we justify a common code of conduct ???

All human beings are shades of grey with their own set of faults and weaknesses . But they do have something else too - A conscience . It is this conscience that tells us what is right and what is wrong . It is our own judge ! It forces us to seek redemption at some point in time - when ? cannot be answered - cause time is dimentionless !

HAPPINESS AND EXTERNALITIES !!

2005-04-14T06:37:00.000-07:00

Many times I have wondered .. why do we feel let down .. by situations, by people - friends , relatives , parents , siblings , spouse ... Is it not expectations ... our dependance on externalities ..on others... is it sustainable .. although I have lived mere 26 years of my life ( which might be less than a second's worth in the expanse of the universe and the dimenations of time and space) yet I feel that whatever I have experienced has taught me one thing .. that HAPPINESS is internal ...Why should we be dependant on anyone else for our happiness ,, will it not lead to anething else but disillusionment .. OUR expectations like our desires are always insatiable and hence will always lead to conflict within because whtever is done will never be enough . SO what is wrong ..its our orientation - Happiness and sadness are a state of mind ... How GOOD or bad life is is how u look at it ...there are no gaurantees in life and rather than seeking gaurantees one should treat everything as a learning experience and move on taking it as God's will - neither being happy nor sad .

BEing Judgemenatal are U ?

2005-04-13T08:20:00.000-07:00

A poem I really like a lot - but liking is just not enough one needs to emulate too (trying my best )..its like appreciating without putting in any effort ....its is like stagnation !!

JUDGE NOT ........

Pray , do not find fault with the person

who limps or stumbles along the road

unless you have worn the shoes he / she wears

or struggled beneath his / her load.

Dont sneer at the person who is down today

unless you have felt the blow

that caused his/her fall or felt the shame

only the fallen know .

Dont be harsh with the person who sins

or pelt him / her with word or stone

unless your sure , yes, doubly sure

that you have no sins of your own .

A stangant existence - a curse !

2005-04-11T10:14:00.000-07:00

Anething in life is better than stagnation ... to keep on doing something anething ... however useless and meaniless it may seem to my unfruitul existence on this planet is better than stagnation .. its is like dearth of living ... its is worse than death ... ofcourse the best way to avoid stagnation is to constantly innovate urself... to learn ,to expand ur knowledge as well as horizons .. to live as many times in a day and in as diverse a way as possible ... to live all ur dreams in the form of hobbies .. that may range from hoping to be a writer / philosopher ( however amatuerish ...my immature attempt at blogspot is a realisation of that dream / hobby )....to being able to paraglide or better being a jockey ...in a horse race... !!!

quotes - d essence of life itself succulently put in 2 lines .

2005-04-11T10:11:00.000-07:00

You cannot achieve a new goal by applying the same level of thinking that got you where you are today. --
-Albert Einstein

Joy is the most infallible sign of the presence of God.
-Pierre Teilhard de Chardin

a state of mind

2005-04-11T08:27:00.000-07:00

What can i deny myself when nothing was ever mine !!!

Just now i was chattin wid a good frd..he raised a question ...he always does ( these help us think and introspect and hence learn which is wht life is all abt )...talkin abt my ambitions and drive he made a statement ..he said shruti dont use work as a means of denial..denial in thoughts ..denial in the perspective of what happiness really is....I asked him wht is happiness ,,, life in itself and happiness in particular are too transient to be given too much importance certainly not greater than the replenishment of the soul....

the question still lingers....and new ones arise every minute ..what is the reason for my existence .. eating , sleeping , working ,,partyin ..no tht cant be IT . my soul is always wondering searchin for an answer .. someday i will find the answers is my belief ... all / some i dont know ..

Atlast my dear friend sees my point of view somewhat ..he says time and space are illusive entities, it is the thought which pervades and prevails.. ours thoughts ..the level of consciousness which we attain in dis birth ..in this journey called life ..can never be destroyed .. dey will stay wid us ..forever .. beyond time and space ..beyond boundaries ,,real and unreal .. so my frd think .. think and introspect ... be a thinker not just a doer ,.. whu does for the sake of doin ...without questionin WHY ???

books - dey keep us sane !

2005-04-11T04:50:00.000-07:00

TUESDAYS WITH MORRIS - dis book is worth a read !! check it out and letme know how u liked it ?

Delusion or Reality ??

2005-04-10T23:38:00.000-07:00

Another day has gone by . A meaningless struggle against the forces of nature . What have I achieved ? Everyday brings me closer to my greater purpose in life ! Am I fooling myself ? Maybe . But it gets me through the day . Makes me want to live this life thrust upon me without permission .